This morning I read Psalm 139. It wasn’t the first time I’ve read it, but this morning it hit me differently than it had in the past. I won’t paste all of it here for you, but here is the link to The Passion Translation for anyone that might need a pick me up or feel compelled to read it.
But here is the portion that just STAYED IN MY HEAD today.. from verse 16.
You saw who you created me to be
before I became me!
When I read this, I just couldn’t help but think of all of my students, my family and my friends that have struggled with their identities. Whether it was simply a “personality crisis” or a larger identity issue.
I thought of my friends who have fought for space to be the person that they KNEW they were created to be. I thought of all of my students over the years who yearned for a safe place to be different.
To put it simply. I read this and I hurt for all of my LGBTQIA+ friends that didn’t feel like they were seen. That questioned why they were born. That questioned why they were here.
All I can say is that friend, GOD knew WHO you would be BEFORE he created you!
So for those that have questioned their value, their worth and their space, I am saying I am so sorry for the hurt that has been caused to you by church, by Christians and by religious people. Those words and that were spewed at you are NOT OF GOD.
Because God knew who you were going to be and created you, not in spite of who you are, but because of who you are. At least that’s my stance and this is my blog so I get to take it. 🙂
Anyway, this is what has been percolating in my head all day. Then one of my friends tagged in me in an art making video and it felt like a perfect thing to try today to continue on my #100dayproject goal.
And I tried it. With not great success, but I had fun. I’m going to keep working on it. My problem is that I have good quality watercolors and acrylics, not cheap craft paints. So tomorrow I’m going to go get the cheap paints and try again!
But here are my paintings for the day. I tried first with watercolors. I love the vibrancy of the liquid watercolors, but they pooled too much. Then, the acrylics were too think. So I put down some gel medium and that helped, but it left blank spots on the canvas.
The favorite pieces were the striped pieces created from the leftover pulled paint on the squeege.
But I have to say, my “Group Hug” painting is rather cool.
I can’t wait to try this again.
So whoever you are, reading this out in blog land… remember that BEFORE you were created, you were KNOWN and WANTED.
It’s an interesting conundrum.. when life is good, it’s hard to sit down and write/blog about it. But when life is hard, it is soo very easy to let it pour out. Well, 2020 has been a weird year, for all of us, but for me personally it has been a really good year, and that makes it hard to write about as I know so many people are suffering.
But this is my diary to the world and so, let me catch you up on a few of the good things in our life.
Doug’s company, McLemore Financial Group has held its own during this crazy time. Like all families that own businesses, the first few weeks of the pandemic along with the stock market volatility had us ready to panic. But Doug is really good at what he does and all has been well. I’d love to say more, but I haven’t a clue.. he does his thing and I just appreciate it immensely. 🙂
One really cool things that he has done during this time is to transition to working from home a couple of days a week. It’s been good for all of us and he has been able to get out and walk more and find time to relax and write.
2. I heard God.
In January, I heard God. I know it’s weird. But I did, and I have spent the last 10 months relishing the voice of God in my life in a way that was altogether new and different.
I have always believed in God and would say that I have a strong faith. Over the years even when nothing seemed to work out, when life was beyond difficult and miracles were desperately needed yet nothing would happen, I still believed. Through it all, I believed that God was there and would show up.. in His time. Well, in January, God broke through and showed up mightily in our life. The miracles that God brought about were amazing and truly the “only God” kind. Since those early January days, I have walked in anticipation of what God will do each day and have asked God continually to fall fresh on me and to fill me with the His peace. I have had so much fun journaling and sharing personally with others about the presence of God.
3. Kylie and Lexi changed schools and both are THRIVING! Hallelujah. You know, it’s really hard to change things when you are so invested in something. Taking the girls out of the school district that we had been a part of for more than 20 years was difficult. SISD was great for Maddie. She had her group and it was a good fit. But it was never a good fit for Lexi and Kylie was starting to struggle within the system as well. So after years of discussion, in July, we finally decided that with the COVID closures and all of the uncertainty of the fall schedule, that this would be the right time.
And oh, how right we were. Kylie is going to a small private school in town (White Horse Christian Academy) and Lexi is attending an online high school (James Madison High School).The environments are polar opposites from each other, but exactly the right fit for each child. We knew the girls weren’t doing well the last couple of years in the previous school system, but watching Lexi come back to life is heartbreaking, and thrilling, at the same time. Both are being challenged academically, yet have more free time than before. Kylie’s comment was pretty blunt. She asked, after the first week at her new school, while having a late Friday morning breakfast since her school doesn’t have class on Fridays… “why is it that good schools have shorter days and more time off, and bad schools have longer days and have to go more days?” I didn’t have a child-friendly answer
4. I changed jobs!
After years of hurt, disappointment and dead-ends, I came to terms with the fact that promotions and career opportunities outside of the art classroom were not going to be tied to the school district that I had served for so long. I prayed continuously about my desire to lead and organize. I asked God to remove my passion for planning and improvement beyond the classroom setting, if I wasn’t going to be given an opportunity to use my gifts.
It was a hurt that was bone deep.
Then, as July was coming to a close and the anxiety of being thrust into a face to face teaching scenario in the midst of the pandemic had our family scrambling and looking at family medical leave paperwork, God opened the most unexpected door.
Out of the blue, Tarleton State University was looking to hire Instructional Designers. It was a shock. The university had just faced a reorganization and had been forced to layoff employees due to COVID. Things were in a state of change, and yet, Instructional Designers were needed. I applied and was interviewed almost immediately. I was hired and was able to walk away from teaching high school the day before I was to return to the campus full-time. This was a miracle. And everyday I am grateful and thankful. The very gifts that made me “too much” in my old environment are now being used on a daily basis. Four years ago I prayed that God would change me. He didn’t. You see, I was told by the top administrator that in order to be a leader in the district, I had to be.. and I quote “more doe-eyed and to stop having good ideas.” But God made me with a personality that asks questions and a thirst for brainstorming and coming up with creative solutions. So while the path has been arduous to get here, I am so incredibly thankful. Every single day, over the last almost two months now, I have been challenged to ask the questions, to brainstorm for ways to do things and given the autonomy to fix the issues that I find. No longer am I made to feel like I am “too much.” After more than twenty years in education, I have finally found home.
And that’s the recap for the big stuff.
But what about Maddie? Maddie is doing great! She is thriving in college and learning to navigate the world of complicated medical issues and adulthood. Her resiliency is amazing and her strength inspiring.
But in case you think it’s all been easy…
In March, Kylie broke both arms in a tumble from trying to carry her bike down some concrete stairs… and Lexi spent January-March having kidney stones, surgery and stents and then shingles!
Thankfully, those days are behind us.
In the days ahead, I am hoping to blog again. Transitions are always hard, even great ones.
My goal for the next couple of months for myself is to start painting again. And this time, with no expectation, and a less critical eye.